Culinary Delights-The Sacred and Profane Sweet Taste of Love (Think of it as a weekly love fortune in one bite size insanely explicit and perversely sweet tight cookie-) – Contents May Offend those Plain Cake Donut Loving Types 

CD # 1 – WTF is Love and What does it have to do with anything? 

Banging your Body to the Beat of your Heart’s Rhythm…

Relationships can be summed up in one simple, yet complicated scenario.  Two people meet, either by fate or chance, and fall happily ever after like some Cinderella, Serendipity, Sleepless in Seattle, or Hitch type of romance.  I think not!! Unless you’ve had too much of that medicinal herb or are living on Mars.  

Thinking Like A Fool in Love…Or Maybe Just ‘Call Me Maybe’ in the morning type of love…

Romance is more like About Last Night or When Fools Rush In.  Mines more like Chasing Amy but I’m a huge ass Kevin Smith fan and I can care less what people say about his foul mouth ‘Jersey Jerky Boyz’ street characters; Jay and Silent Bob were fucking righteous and Kevin Smith is God.  At least he could play a better one than Morgan Freeman (no offense to his fans-he’s a great actor too but I’m just making a point).  God has a sense of Swag all his own.  He also has a wicked sense of humor and that limbo bar set low; just look at the Platypus or the Roo-now they’re funny ass animals.  

Anyways I have a shrine (made out of my size 16 shoebox) with his Bobblehead and worship this Great Director of all Time.  Shit I’ll light my room on fire with all the candles as I bang some Amy wannabe while getting off to Jay on the screen while (lets just call her Amy #69) hell I lost count- makes her O face and Jay shows his nips.  No you sick fucks; I’m joking, using an analogy of sorts.  

Where is your Sex Ed Section?

Go on you librarian, closet sex freaks if you feel the need to correct the grammar-the same vision-impaired chicks you’d secretly lust after while jerking off in the Thesis section of the library, cause God knows no one reads our most coveted work ever in all 7 plus years of high-er education (as if pot smoking enlightened your mind so fucking much you had to write a book about it as you secretly fantasized about that foreign exchange student bent behind the counter, speaking in a secret code-language).  

My secret crush was this girl from Kyrgyzstan, nerdy but with a figure like Ivanka, but with mocha skin.  She was my Asian Veronica as in the first Clerks movie.  Clerks 2 sucked like a cheap hooker off Sunset Blvd compared to the black and white cult classic.  

The Clerks movie is the all-time best flick ever made with the budget of a new car and a pedicure; now how fucking awesome is that. 

The Fuck With It, Let’s Just Get It On Already…BJ Me Faithful 

Ok, well enough of this rabbit trail for now unless it leads down the preverbial yellow brick road to the Playboy mansion or Selena Gomez’s mansion.  She could put on some Bunny ears and lay some golden eggs.  I’ll take a basket of that along with her energizer friend.  I need some Reviving with her Revival voice in my head.  Hell Bieber Head can join her two in some twisted threesome fantasy in my head…And don’t play it off like I’m some sick perv.  I know you’ve imagined them both doing it on America’s Got No Talent.  Now that’s a duet you can’t get out of your head while giving your Bae head.  Now picture Justin Bieber naked while giving you head.  

Whose that ‘Selfie Hottie’ on your FB…

Needless to say love and romance can be summed up in your FB status as Complicated or Open for fucking business or as Steve or Doug Butabi would say while ass-grabbing on the dance floor: What is Love? 

Or as Holden said in

Chasing Amy, “cause I’m fucking in love with her man, ok? 

Love Spins My Head ‘Round…Girl You Making Me Dizzy…

Banging yourself into oblivion or living on the edge with the sickest O-gasm as if you are getting fucked while riding Full Throttle at Six Flags while snorting coke off a perfect size 36 C set of cans. (Disclaimer: Not sure if that’s her real size, not like I Googled this trivial shit, just ask Siri.  Just sounds like a cool ass number-the sum of which equals 9, add a 6 on top.  You see where your perverse mind is headed.) Did I fail to mention Selena Gomez was riding your lap the whole fucking time.  

Maybe it’s as sacred and profanely simple as that.  As imagining Selena and Justin as a twisted sprinkled covered donut, with frosting and sweet cream waiting to burst inside your innocent virgin donut hole.  

The reason we love so damn much those assholes and prissy bitches; Justin and Selena wannabes, giving them residency in our luxury condo-sized hearts; guys, girls, and gender (WTF) neutral included. 

© DIVE Publishing 2017

“Because life’s too short to give a fuck or two or a threefuckingsome for that matter.  Don’t die before licking that whole damn cone and getting the sweet cream all over your pretty angel face.” 


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